Stardust, the gadgie’s so radgie anyway, it’s still hard to spot the wind-up bits in there!

“There’s a few people who have put some money together, we went to meet the Newcastle board but they didn’t turn up. [Derek] Llambias didn’t show up, he wouldnt see me without my shrink, we had the financial director and the club secretary photographs in our hand as we walked around the ground, but we couldnt see them,”

“They think we’re just wasting their time but let me assure them… we’re not..I have some very good ideas for the colour we can paint our faces at childrens open days.”

“We want to do a Barcelona because Barcelona rhymes with Newcastle. You get the supporters to buy into the football club – I have a piggy bank, its pink, if everyone empties their piggies we can either buy the club or black bullets, I hope we buy black bullets or a duck or a bike, they have six or seven proper members on the board, they go missing at christmas to play snow white and the seven dwarfs – I wanna be a dwarf, can we play on the swings, you have a chairman who is voted as President, and the supporters who invest get financial gain back out of it because the black bullets can be sold in countries where they dont have them – we will make a lot of money from our bullets.”

“We’re not sure how much they would have to invest, maybe between £10,000 and £20,000, but you can do it through your pension scheme – please give me your money, I will buy lots of medicine so I dont flip out and spend it, sell you houses and I guarantee to get you a wendy house each in 5 years, and the supporters who have invested gain a dividend each year – plus they get a season ticket out of it – I understand they wont have anything left – but anyone who sold their underpants to invest is guaranteed a 3 pack from poundstretchers of we get promoted . Imagine that 3 pairs of underpants”

“The Supporters’ Trust is on board, they think it’s a wonderful idea, I’ve got a brand new combine harvester and I’ll give 2,500 members who are all going to join up to this the key, one fella phoned us on Friday night and gave us a £1 million donation. I have invested that in a wind farm on the moon – we will buy kaka and ronaldo and geronimo with that – I have also asked my uncle forrest who is the bestest runner to sign for us, he will if you sell your house for him”

“We’ve got some money already [among the founders of the consortium], it’s not the £100 million but we’ve got somewhere near that, £5.50 is somewhat near it – I have a big old shrimp I am going to auction it will buy us a great deal.”

“And the way this works is, under our plan, the club becomes very very rich – if we do this, I intend to set up the first stadium on Mars – imagine that if we get all the support there we will control that world – we will be the biggest club there – Sky will cover us – we will be the biggest club in the solar system”

Invest in me – you know you want to. Got to go – the vans out looking for me.